Darling, Reallyyy

Darling, really I don't have the slightest clue as to what I'm going to put here..Ah dear...
Yes, when one creates an account and a blog solely for the purpose of commenting on Amanda Palmer's blog, one is bound to come out speechless.
Unless you're me, in which case you'll ramble incessantly and waste a whole lot of someone else's time..or rather, help them waste it.
So um..
Today, I revisited my old church...Yaaa...I'm an atheist. I went to church when I was a kid, cause my parents (mainly my dad) made me. He stopped going altogether after a while though, so I did too. I was religious a couple times cause the fuckers are so good at brainwashing. (Pardon the complete disrespect there, it's just hard not to feel taken advantage of to some extent).
Anyway, I went there today for the first time in years, just hopped on my bike and ended up going there. I'd been thinking about doing it for a while. I just wanted to see how it looked after all this time, how it felt to be there for a bit..It felt tremendously sad. Probably because I am tremendously sad. My dad woke me up this morning and I got pissed and yelled at him. I was going to pretend like nothing had happened, but then he went out and drove off somewhere, and I just started crying. About everything. It was a short cry in the first place, let alone for everything, but I guess that's life. When I got to my old church, I walked up to the courtyard and looked at it. I thought about walking through it, but it just seemed too weird. Seeing that courtyard again made all this pain swell up inside me, like I was looking back at something I'd lost so long ago. I sat down a ways a way from the courtyard entrance and just thought for a while. I mean, why the hell had been I wanting to come back to this place so much? And why the hell did it hurt me so much to see it all again?
I'd had a couple of weird dreams about that courtyard recently...one had something to do with a fashion show and my anger at finding that a whole room was devoted to fur clothes...I'm not sure where I came up with that..But something about it all had definitely been nagging at my mind.
Sitting there, thinking about it I decided that I was missing this place because of two things. One, it was one of the first places where I really noticed a lot of love. And two, because it was such a huge part of my childhood. I spent a lot of time running around there with my friends when I was a kid. I haven't seen any of those kids in ages. In fact, I only had two friends there, while most of the kids went to the same school and hung out in a group..I always felt pretty damn lonely. Still, I sort of started out there to some extent, and it seems strange to just never go back to a place you spent so much time in. Also since I was a kid, everything seemed pretty good. It was just so much easier to be happy, the whole world looked better than it does now.

And at home, there's always been a lot of shit. Since mom and dad are so distant, since they can't stand eachother but continue to be married, confiding in people is something I really don't do enough. Lately, I've been looking at my situation and wondering how the fuck I'm going to get out of this house with my sanity in tact. And then I think, man if it's this bad for me, how is ANYONE in this world sane??? From what I've been told, I have it pretty damn good, so...damn..life is tough. I've always sort of assumed most people are perfectly sane, but I'm finally starting to realize that most people are probably completely bonkers and spending as much as a day with them could result in major drama. Haha..Who knows? People who socialize?...Ya, that would explain why I don't know..
Later.